Who comes first in your life, your spouse or the
kids? While you should prioritize your kids’ needs, putting too much focus on
them could cheat your spouse out of your energy and full presence, said Otto
Collins, a relationship coach who co-authored the book Passionate Spark,
Lasting Love with his wife Susie.
“You think focusing on your kids and other
obligations will strengthen and make your relationship better but instead the
exact opposite happens,” said Collins. “You and your spouse end up becoming
strangers who pass each other in the hallway and passion and connection withers
and dies. You may love each other but you’re not ‘in love’ anymore largely
because you’ve neglected the relationship without even realizing it.”
2. You emotionally cheat by confiding in someone
else.
Your spouse should be your emotional confidante, the
sounding board you turn to when you need to share just about anything. If you
start emotionally opening up to someone else — especially someone you’re
attracted to — you could be well on your way to having an emotional affair,
said Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Foojan Zeine. (It’s especially bad if
you start sharing unflattering details about your relationship with this new
person.)
“When a partner begins to give that special place of
friendship, closeness and intimacy to another person, we feel cheated,” she
said. “Your spouse shouldn’t take the place of your best friends, but he or she
needs to have the security and openness of being the person you turn to the
most. To foster a close emotional relationship that goes over and above what
you have with your partner feels like a betrayal.”
3. You’re glued to your phone all day.
It doesn’t matter if you’re sifting through
important work emails or texting your buddies about fantasy football picks,
spending an excessive amount of time on your phone when you’re in the company
of your spouse sends a clear message to him or her: I could be spending my
downtime with you, but I’d rather be on my phone.
“Everyone needs downtime and these activities help
us to decompress but they become troublesome when they are substitutes for
meaningful interaction with your spouse,” Wilke said. “Ask yourself: Am I
spending more time perusing social media than talking to my spouse?”
4. You cheat on your spouse financially.
Those secret credit card purchases you’ve been
making behind your spouse’s back are bound to come to light eventually — and
when they do, it could spell major trouble. A 2011 study conducted by the National
Endowment for Financial Education found that 68 percent of the time, financial
infidelity had a negative impact on relationships, with 16 percent of marriages
ending because of it.
“When one mate withholds financial information, it
breaks down the fundamental trust in their partnership,” said Zeine. “The
partner who has to pay the consequence of the other’s financial actions usually
feels cheated. Lack of transparency in this area leads to minimum trust. You no
longer feel like part of a team.”
5. You spend more time with your friends than with
your spouse.
Having hobbies and interests outside of your
marriage is important — and being together 24/7 isn’t exactly healthy. But it’s
a problem when your spouse feels as though he or she has taken a backseat to
nearly everything else in your life, especially your friends. Otto Collins said
he’s learned this firsthand.
“Many years ago, when I was much younger and still
married to my first wife, I went to 26 concerts in one year (mostly without
her) while she was home taking care of our young son,” he recalled. ” The
marriage broke up for many reasons but the fact is that I put outside
activities above the relationship, which didn’t help. Putting close friends
before your spouse creates distance and mistrust between the two of you, which
could harm your relationship.”
6. You rant
about your spouse to others.
You may think venting to friends about your
husband’s annoying grooming habits is harmless, but a small betrayal of trust
occurs any time you say something to friends or family that derides your
spouse, said relationship coach Susie Collins.
“My husband and I have a rule in our relationship
that we teach to all of our coaching clients: never ever say or do anything
when you’re not with your partner that you wouldn’t say or do if they were
standing right beside you,” she said. “Many people think it’s healthy to
‘unload’ or just connect with friends by revealing their partner’s innermost
secrets or sins but it always backfires. Even if your spouse never finds out
what you said, it creates coldness between the two of you that you may not even
be aware of.”
7. You stonewall your spouse.
Stonewalling your spouse — becoming defensive and
withdrawing from an interaction or argument instead of talking it though — can
be extremely harmful to your relationship, said Zeine.
“Withholding thoughts, beliefs and emotions
contradicts the purpose of our intimate relationships,” she said. “When a
spouse gives the silent treatment or says ‘nothing is wrong’ when there is
something wrong, you feel powerless against the wall that is put up. You feel
cheated by your mate having the power to shut you down and close any ways of
moving closer.”
And when you don’t speak up, the worst is usually
assumed, she said.
“The passive-aggressive silent treatment gives our
mate the space to interpret whatever they want about us. In times of hurt and anger, the assumptions
and interpretations are usually very one sided and self-serving,” she said.
Credit: HuffPost
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